What's Next?

December is often a time for reflection. The year is ending, so it is time to take stock of the last twelve month's inventory of activities. It is also a time to look ahead. What's the next adventure? This is something I have been asking myself for the past year, but before I can delve into "what's next," I have to look back. Waaaay back.

1996: I am born.

Okay, not that far back.

Forget normal careers like ballerina, veterinarian, or president. When I was a child, I wanted to be a paleontologist. That is, until I started learning about the Egyptians in history. After that, I wanted nothing more than to be an Archaeologist. I'm not sure if watching Indiana Jones fueled this passion or destroyed it (I'm not too keen on being run over by giant rocks, having my heart pulled from my chest, falling into train cars full of snakes, or meeting weird crystalline aliens).
As a child, I dictated stories to my parents. When I learned to write myself, I started writing "books," which consisted of paper stapled together. When I was about twelve, I decided that the only viable career option would be an author.
I started singing on our church worship team when I was fifteen and quickly decided that I was meant to be a worship leader. This was followed by the urge to become a youth leader so that I could reach out to the shy kids (like myself at the time) and make them feel like they belong and were loved.
The dream of becoming a youth leader lived for several years: up until August of 2014. That's when the hardest year-and-a-half of my life so far started.
Our only female youth leader in our mostly-female youth group left with her husband to pastor a church in Hawaii and no one stepped up to fill the void. Myself and one of the other girls in youth group decided to lead a girl's Bible study. I quickly discovered that I was not meant to be the friend-to-all, secret-keeper, shoulder-to-cry-on type of youth leader that I had dreamed of being. Some women are capable of being a mentor to many emotional teenagers at once. I am not. I probably could be if I dedicated my entire being to youth ministry; but if I did that, what would happen to my music and writing? That's the question I faced last August. After much thinking, I realized that I'm not meant to go into full-time ministry. At least, not in the foreseeable future.
This realization has been very hard to come to terms with.
After all, since I was fifteen, I had been planning on going into full-time ministry in some capacity. Also, I had to realize that "writer" isn't a less righteous career than "youth leader." God doesn't care whether I'm picking up trash for a living (*cough cough* what I'm doing now *cough cough*) or if I'm entering seminary to become the next Billy Graham. God only cares that I'm doing everything to the best of my ability for His glory (see Ecclesiastes 12:13 and 1 Corinthians 10:31).

I'm still reeling from the realization that I'm not meant to go into full-time ministry. If you'd asked me last September what the next year-and-a-half of my life would look like, I would have said: Get great grades in my AP classes, have a fantastic senior recital, have a fantastic graduation, and go to college in the Fall. Eventually, this would lead to having many great friends, amazing grades, a husband, some amazingly well-behaved and homeschooled children, and a house with a white picket fence (okay, maybe not... but it was quite utopian in my brain).

Without the goal of becoming a youth leader, my whole future fell apart. What was I supposed to do with my life? Write, perhaps, but I wasn't getting much of that done at the beginning of 2015. My two AP (Advanced Placement) courses and preparation for my senior recital were so exhausting that every spare moment was spent on either Netflix or Youtube. On Fridays, I had choir, and on Sundays, I had church, but other than that, I didn't really go out of the house. This fueled a feeling that has been a persistent fiend since I became a teenager: the feeling of aloneness. The feeling that I will never have a Frodo to my Sam, a Geordi to my Data, a Sherlock to my John; that I will never have someone who shares my interests, encourages my passions; someone that I can share intimate struggles with and who will have deep discussions with me; someone who will let me into their life as deeply as I want to let someone into mine.
This has been my secret dream since I was thirteen. After six years, I've still not made that deep, cerebral connection that I seek. I don't even know if that kind of closeness is possible. Maybe it's manufactured and exaggerated for entertainment purposes in movies, TV, books, and Youtube personalities.

An unclear direction in life, loneliness, and being swamped with studies led to some depression earlier this year. It still returns sometimes when I start thinking too closely about my life. I suppose it has reappeared a bit in the last few weeks. I finished my fantasy story, which left a void in my life. I've been filling that void with unproductive things. Every few hours I return to the same question: "What's next? Where can I go from here? What should I do?"

I have a list of options ranging from quitting my job to becoming a full-time writer/hermit to going on a mission trip. The most logical answer, however, would be to go to college. In college, I can learn more about God through Biblical studies (something I feel I need), learn more about subjects that interest me (music, music history, writing, literature), and maybe make those deep friendships that I've been longing for.
Only one problem: FEAR.
Most of the reason I didn't attend college this Fall was because I was scared. Scared to leave the protection of my family and friends. Scared to meet new people. Scared of bad grades. Scared of being an adult.
Most of the reason I am still shying away from college is because I am scared of all the above, and also researching colleges, visiting colleges, figuring out applications and scholarships, and retaking the SAT to see if I can get a higher math score. That's a lot of work and a lot of research that I have no clue how to even start doing!

So, what's next?

I don't know.

But I do know that the Bible says such things as:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD. (Jeremiah 29:11)

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:33-34)

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13)

Surely someone who created my inmost being has a plan for me. I find comfort in that.

Here's an applicable Newsboys song to end this post:

2014: A year in review

What totally epic or character-building things did I do in 2014?

• I took the train all by myself to visit my friend at her college.
• My family and I went to Europe! 

Big Ben, in case you couldn't tell

Typical Dutch countryside

• I got my driver's license!
• I wrote a semi-epic fantasy novel.

•   I wrote and performed in our church's Vacation Bible School skits.

•  I went to the beach, hiked up a mountain, roasted marshmallows and stayed out late, explored a corn maze and a pumpkin patch, saw some Christmas lights, and brought in 2015 with people my own age and had fun. In short, I made an effort to have some semblance of a social life.
• I led a Bible study with church girls.
• My choir donned Victorian garb and caroled in the mall.

Photo via A Choir Parent

Here were my goals for 2014 and their degree of fulfillment:

1. Continue to get to know God, study his word, and make him first and foremost in my life. Read my Bible, pray everyday, and I'll grow... grow... grow...
While I didn't read my Bible every day, I did make an effort to get to know God better and I have grown in my faith since last year.

2. Continue to study studiously. Finish my Algebra book!!! And get through Algebra II if possible...
Check, check! I finished Algebra, Algebra II, and am halfway through Geometry! Then I will be freeee!

3. Continue growing is my musical pursuits.
My voice has grown significantly in the past year and my piano playing has too!

4. Visit my friend's college and start looking into which colleges would best fit God's plan for my life.
I visited my friend's college, but haven't looked into any other colleges yet.

5. Witness to people about the love of God.
I haven't witnessed directly to anyone, but I hope that God shines through me in everyday life.

6. Do NaNoWriMo and win! Write a short story a day. Or, just write every day. Especially in my new story idea... (Last year my new story idea was a Defenders of the Realm which fell through. But this new story... well, I think it will stick around for awhile. At least, I'd really like it to.)
Yup, I won NaNoWriMo! I didn't write every day... but I did write quite a bit this year, especially in the "new story" that I mentioned.

7. I'd really like to catch up on Doctor Who... if that's possible.
Sort of check? There are three or four episodes from season 8 that I haven't seen, but other than that I'm all caught up.

8. Read 100 books! Scary... I don't know if I'll be able to complete that one.
Aaaaaand... I definitely didn't. I'm sitting pretty at 53 (not counting comic books like Tintin or Calvin and Hobbes).
Not only was I introduced to The Phantom of the Opera this year, but also to P.G. Wodehouse. I read twelve Wodehouse books this year!
19 books were rereads.
Of the new books that I read this year King's Warrior by Jenelle Leanne Schmidt, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, The Invention of Hugo Cabret by Brian Selznick, and The World of Jeeves (all the Jeeves and Wooster short stories) by P.G. Wodehouse were my favorites. To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf was my least favorite and also wracked up the least amount of stars. Only two books ever got below six stars. Maybe I'm too lenient with my marking method.

9. Get more geeky clothes.
Hahaha... What?! How is that a goal? I don't even know how to answer that one. xD

10. Re-watch Star Trek Deep Space Nine.
I remember adding this one spontaneously at the end because I felt like I needed more fun goals and not so many serious ones. While I didn't rewatch DS9, my mom and I did rewatch Voyager.

11. Read Les Miserables by Victor Hugo.
Nope. That didn't get done.

Here are my goals for 2015:

1. Read the entire Bible.

2. Graduate with good grades.

3. Extensively plan and plot the fantasy story I wrote in 2014.

4. Write the final two Daniel and Varina novels.

5. Read 100 books. (May as well try again!)

6. Implement my Book Challenge. (To be explained shortly, in another blog post)

7. Get a job, join a non-highschool choir, research colleges, and generally keep busy and not become a hermit once I graduate.

Sorry, Doctor, I'm not going to be the next member of Hermits United

8. Continue with my music. Take a music theory class. Have a FANTASTIC senior recital in May.

9. Exercise more.

10. Read one nonfiction a month.

11. Write every day of the year.

"If you want to write, if you want to create, you must be the most sublime fool that God ever turned out and sent rambling. You must write every single day of your life.

"You must read dreadful dumb books and glorious books, and let them wrestle in beautiful fights inside your head, vulgar one moment, brilliant the next.

"You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads.

"I wish you a wrestling match with your Creative Muse that will last a lifetime. I wish craziness and foolishness and madness upon you. May you live with hysteria, and out of it make fine stories—science fiction or otherwise.

Which finally means, may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world." 

-Ray Bradbury

"Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." –Psalm 139:14

Increasingly over the years, I've come to bash myself internally. If I do something wrong, it's because I'm stupid and an idiot. You don't know how many times the phrase Abbey, you're an idiot has floated through my brain.
Almost always the act of "wrong" that sends me spiraling down into verbal self-abuse is relationship-based. I was a shy child. I've worked hard to overcome this shyness and I'm proud of my accomplishment. This does not make talking to people any easier, despite what you may think. Starting conversations is especially difficult.
My bubble of shyness may have been pierced, but there are still certain people I'm not comfortable talking to: namely, the "popular" kids. You know the ones... the vivacious girl, the laid-back-cool-jock-dude. I stumble through conversation with these people, and then worry incessantly that what I've said will be held against me. If I avoid talking to them, I imagine they are behind my back thinking Why is Abbey being so antisocial? Sometimes she'll talk to us, but other times she avoids us. Does she think she's better than us?
The Bible says to rebuke in gentleness (Galatians 6:1) and that's what my mom did last night. I came to her with my worries and she told me that I focus too much on me. She's right. It's selfish to wonder what people are saying or thinking about you, whether or not their opinion is good or bad. It's nice to have compliments, of course, but in the end, whose opinion really matters? God's. How does worrying what so-and-so was thinking when you tripped up the stairs advance God's Kingdom? It doesn't, and that's why that kind of thinking is so destructive.
The verbal self-abuse that follows is also destructive. Think about it: when you say Oh man, Abbey, you did it now, you stupid idiot! you are really saying: Oh man, God, you did it now, you stupid idiot!
Who created me and you? God.
"So God created man in his own image." Genesis 1:27.
"I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 239:14.
"The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life." Job 33:4.
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in him." Ephesians 2:10.
When you—when I—curse yourself you are, in essence, cursing God, because God made you—made me!—in His own image. He knew us before we were born, he sculpted us in our mother's wombs. Does the God of the Universe, who created this whole world with its billions of brilliant blues and its bazillions of shades of greens, make mistakes? Was the Platypus a mistake, or the beetle that has an explosive chamber in its stomach, a mistake? No. The Platypus looks weird for a reason. The beetle with the bomb in its stomach uses it for self-defense.
What about you—what about me? When we call ourselves stupid we are calling God's creation a mistake. When we wish we were dead, we are shirking our responsibilities to the Most High.
The answer is not self-abuse. The answer is God and furthering His Kingdom. Focus on helping someone, or reaching out to someone who usually stands alone at church or at school, instead of what other people will think. Other people's opinions don't matter! Their opinions will last 100 years at most; or, if they happen to be famous, maybe a few hundred years more. God's opinion lasts forever. I would rather impress Him than all the cool-jock-dudes in the world.


You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
     even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.

 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
     even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

Psalm 139:1-18

Are we really as free as we believe?

In the 1800's, the world was a rapidly changing place. For the first 1500 years after Christ, the church and state were inseparable. You couldn't have one without the other. And then the Reformation came along, with the Enlightenment close on its heels.
Before these two ages, the freedom that comes through believing(slash buying indulgences and going to mass and doing penance and going to confession for the remission of your sins) in Christ had been enough for people. The church was the culture, and the culture was all the people knew.
But after the Reformation - and especially after the Enlightenment - freedom through Christ wasn't enough. Everyone had it in their heads that they ought to be "as free as possible."


"Liberty in numerous ancient settings meant more than the mere notion that an individual may choose a course of action. Liberty was typically tied to nature... ...Freedom was noble and important because a person could pursue the goal of living up to their nature or potential. Social barriers restricting a person's progress should be removed when possible."*


It was with this type of liberty in their minds that the Thirteen Colonies declared independence from England. Unfortunately, like so many other things, this definition of freedom has been buried under the sands of time.


"People today often understand liberty apart from nature. They do not wish to be free so they can become a good version of what they are; they think freedom is being able to choose what they want to be. On a similar note ancient understandings of human...happiness [was] tied to...becoming good, not just feeling good. Aristotle, for example, would think it odd that our contemporary culture [has] satisfaction in feeling good [instead of] being good."


As is (very) evident in today's culture, living up to one's full potential is most definitely not the norm. The majority of people, I feel confident in saying, are only concerned with their own pleasure, in getting "satisfaction in feeling good instead of being good." This brings up an interesting question... are we really as free as we believe?


"Alexis de Tocqueville, a visitor in the United States, during the nineteenth century, issued a warning in his classic study, Democracy in America. In the United States, he said, neither aristocracy nor princely tyranny exist. Yet, asked de Tocqueville, does not this unprecedented 'equality of conditions' itself pose a fateful threat: the 'tyranny of the majority'? In the processes of government, de Tocqueville warned, rule of the majority can mean oppression of the minority, control by erratic public moods rather than reasoned leadership."


Sure, the Constitution gives us the freedom to choose our own leaders, to peacefully protest, petition, to practice whatever religion we want (but who reads those stuffy old documents anyway?) - but if the majority of people want to go down the wrong path, the minority who know the right way often get pressured into going the wrong way too. If they do stay strong and take the right path, there are hard feelings and anger involved from both sides.
A great illustration is C3P-O and R2-D2 from Star Wars. After their escape pod crashes on the planet Tatooine in A New Hope, C3P-O wants to go one way, while R2-D2 wants to go another way. They end up getting into an argument and storming off in opposite directions.
So it is with the Christian who tries to take the straight and narrow path in a crooked and wide world. More often than not, the majority's voice will let out such a deafening roar, that the minority's voice - and with it, their rights - are drowned out.


Normally, the majority is just the majority because one person said something with enough force that everyone else thought, "Hey, this guy knows what he's talking about! He must be right!" They don't do their research, they don't look deeper, they don't look at motives. They just follow the crowd.
The minority, on the other hand, are usually the people who know the most. They are aware, attune to the things going on around them.
Unfortunately, not only does the minority have the majority to worry about, they also have the leader of the majority - that strong voice - to worry about. Usually a public figure, someone with authority. And that leader, for whatever motives, tries to crush the minority out of his plan. It has happened over and over and over again in history.
Just look at the papacy in the Middle and Reformation ages. Someone would get an idea contrary to Catholic doctrine and start sharing it with others. The Catholic church would get nervous for one reason or another, and they would condemn the person and his followers as heretics, and try to annihilate them. Sometimes, the people were actual heretics. Many more times, they were people who had started to examine the scriptures, or started to read the early church father's writings, and discovered that they said nothing about indulgences, confession, and mass as a way to be saved, or as a way to heaven.
Eventually you had people like John Calvin and Martin Luther who made enough of a difference that the Church couldn't do much about it and that's how we get so many denominations nowadays and complete separation of church and state.


We need people like the Reformers today. People who will stand up for freedom. And not just freedom to do what feels good. Freedom to become the best that we can become.


Slowly, without even realizing it, our freedom to live up to our potential is being taken from us. Instead of being taught to think and reason, children are being taught that school is a huge bore and that instead, they should go out and party and experiment with sinful things in order to "find themselves" (but don't worry, the government will take good care of them). 
The past few generations, and the current one, and the next ones, are being taught to do what feels good, rather than what is good, which is, I think, a huge reason why we don't have men like Martin Luther any more.
Standing up for what's important is difficult. It's hard. It's painful. It's excruciating. It's uncomfortable. It always has been and it always will be (if you need examples just look at the martyrs from the first three centuries AD, or the Reformers, or missionaries to anti-Christian countries today). The Bible even promises us that we will be persecuted... 1 John 3:13 says, "Do not be surprised, brothers, if the world hates you."
In today's culture, being uncomfortable is a bad thing. Adversity and confrontation is frowned upon.
Well, sorry to break the news to you folks, but being uncomfortable and facing adversity and confrontation is what makes a person grow. The world would like to have you believe that humans can achieve perfection on their own, but that's a lie. As we become more isolated through our electronics, as we stop confiding in each other and sharing hard things, as we stop discussing and talking about things, as we bury our feelings, we're not getting rid of the problem, we're just making it bigger; we're becoming lonelier and lonelier.


Freedom is not free.


It costs. It often costs things we're not willing to give up. Comfort, safety, time, even friends or family sometimes. But do you know what comfort, safety, time, and sometimes friends and family cost?


Eternity. And not just eternity by itself... Eternity with the Creator of the world.


Believers, the Bible says "the truth shall set you free"; one of the most important steps in becoming free is to educate yourself, and then do something with that education, even if it's hard, even if it's uncomfortable. We can't "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit" (Matthew 28:16-20) without getting out feet wet, can we?


Thoughts? Questions? I'd love to hear from you. (GASP! Maybe even get a debate started in the comments! *dramatically puts hand to forehead* Oh no! Not conflict!)


*All quotations taken from Church History in Plain Language by Bruce L. Shelley, 4th edition, chapter 36 "The Restoration of Fortresses," edited slightly by me.

Though the flame of liberty may sometimes cease to shine, the coal can never expire. -Thomas Paine

Thank you to all our soldiers, past and present, for the freedom I now enjoy. I cherish it, and what you've done not only to give it to me, but to protect it as well. 

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it.

-Thomas Paine

A decision and an apology.

Firstly, here is a great article that I just had to link to!

http://therebelution.com/blog/2014/04/fasting-from-doctor-who-my-month-without-science-fiction/#.U3rOzLdOXmI

Please, take five minutes and go read this article.

On a somewhat related topic...
Remember THIS post, reviewing the final episode of season three of Sherlock?
It disgusts me. I disgust me.
Once, I came across someone's blog where they said, "This one show is a great show, but one of the seasons has a whole bunch of stuff that goes against the Bible and it makes me really angry, but I'm going to keep watching because the characters are worth it!"
That post made me so angry. It's TV show! You're really going to watch something that makes you angry because it portrays God negatively, just because the characters are good?
Then I realized something. I had forgotten to take the plank out of my own eye before looking for the speck in this other blogger's eye (Luke 6, Matthew 7).
I did the exact same thing that this other blogger did. In my review of His Last Vow I basically said, "Even though the moral principles were thrown out the window in this third season of Sherlock and it offended me deeply, I'm going to keep watching the show because I have to find out how Moriarty survived!"

I want to apologize to every one of you for that post. I'm so sorry. My attitude concerning Sherlock was completely wrong and I don't want any of you to think that it's okay to brush away the sinfulness in entertainment, just to find out what happens next.

That being said, I've come to a decision.
I've decided that when Sherlock season four comes around, I'm not going to watch it. I have become increasingly dissatisfied with the show as it has progressed. This third series pushed me over the brink, and I'm making that clear now.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Philippians 4:8

Some people

I've been thinking about this post since last night and I just have to write it, even at the unreasonable hour of 11:42.

Watching interviews with lovely British people has brought considerable joy into my heart in the past.

They are amazing actors.

Wonderful people in general.

Amazingly smart and dashing.

Hilarious and extremely interesting in real life.

Scrolling through quotes from interviews of the above is nearly as good as watching the interviews themselves (and takes up considerably more time, especially if said pictures are found on Pinterest. No, I don't have an account. Yes, I still spend too many hours on it.)
But after watching interviews for an hour (time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'... into the future...) or scrolling through Pinterest for two, I always leave feeling empty and a little dumber. (And then I feel remorse at wasting my time and give up interviews and Pinterest and fling myself into the waiting arms of some Literature book and thusly, feel smart again.)
Only the other day did I realize what the emptiness was. Let me describe said emptiness first.
I felt like I should love Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston as much as the other girls. I felt like I should "fangirl" over them too. After all, they are pretty much the epitome of the Perfect Male on earth, right?








I mean, aren't they just the most adorable things in the entire universe?!? (Notice my satirical sarcasm here. I'm turning into Mr. Bennet. In 50 years you'll find me penniless, holed up in my library, laughing at the world's follies.)
Anyway, back to the point...

Stephen Fry. He plays Jeeves. He also plays the Master of Laketown. He is also the narrator for the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie. He has wonderful facial expressions.

And he's in extremely interesting person. He has all sorts of witticisms, and advice on how to live in a not so great world. People love him. Like I said, I find him very interesting, but I just can't love him.

Hugh Laurie. He's Stephen Fry's best friend. They went to university together, along with Emma Thompson. All three were a part of the same comedy group at uni that Monty Python came out of. He played Bertie Wooster. He played Mr. Palmer. He also makes hilarious facial expressions.

 

He plays BLUES. He's amazing pianist, singer, and songwriter. But I just can't love him.

Shall I go on? One more.

Tom Hiddleston. Loki, the most beloved villain, from the Avengers franchise. In real life, Tom Hiddleston holds a degree in literature. He is very very very well-versed in Shakespeare and other classic literature. This gives him a high ranking in my sight. He is also a great actor, very handsome, and has an adorable laugh (which would be perfect for one Sir Percy Blakeney).

But I just can't love him the way other fangirls do. (Not that I'm a fangirl. I'm not and never wish to be.)

Why, why can't I be so dippy for these British men? Why do I fill with increasing indifference and even - dare I say? - dislike when I watch more and more interviews conducted with them?
The answer his me square in the face the other night.
It's because they are missing something.
An important something that stops me from lavishing unequivocal praises on them. Something that stops me from setting them up as a role model. Something that stops me from saying "I want my future husband to be polite to me like Tom Hiddleston would!"
It's Jesus.
These men are missing God in their lives.
They are successful, loved everywhere they go. They claim to be happy and peaceful. But I don't believe real, true peace (peace that transcends understanding - Philippians 4) can be had without God. I don't believe you can experience full happiness and fulfillment without God. Even successful people feel it. There was a football player who said something along the lines of, "I have a lot of money which could buy me anything, but I still feel empty."
Celebrities, regardless of whether or not they are British, just don't appeal to me. They could be the politest, smartest, and bestest, but they just don't fit the bill. I don't love them. I don't envy them. I think that to love them, and to continue to excessively watch interviews and scroll through their pictures would be idolatry. My example is Jesus Christ. Everyone else pales in comparison to him. My other examples are godly men. My dad, my pastor, others in my church. I'd much rather spend a day when them than with Tom Hiddleston or Ramin Karimloo (to be fair, he's not British. He's an Iranian Canadian. Which rhymes. Wait for it...)

The most I can say for these people is that I "greatly admire and esteem them." Most girls out there are probably thinking "Use those words again and I shall leave the room!" I shall leave saying:
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.
1 John 2: 15-17  

"It's good fun for a hermit." Part 2.

Monastics had the right idea prioritizing prayer and time with God. The way they went about it, however - secluding themselves, not eating, not sleeping, not bathing - is not, in my opinion, the best way of going about fostering a relationship with God. (Especially when the focus was taken off of God and was instead put onto little competitions... who could stay on their pillar the longest, who could stand on one leg on their pillar the longest, etc.)
Basil the Great (a bishop in the 300's, and later a saint) also believed this and came up with a Rule that changed Monasticism. He put emphasis on helping the needy, underprivileged, and sick. He also emphasized community life and liturgical prayer. (Liturgical prayer is a set prayer that everyone says at the same time). Basil encouraged the study of Scriptures, eating three square meals a day, and the good old eight hours of sleep. He reasoned that if you deprive yourself of fellowship, rest, and food, what kind of state are you in to help others?

I'll be honest, I haven't been having the best week. My mom (confidant and best friend) is sick and I've been feeling pretty lonely. Self-doubts feed and fester on my brain every few weeks and last night it was looking rather like they had decided to attack while my flank is down sick. My brain sounded rather like this last night: "DOWN ONCE MORE TO THE DUNGEON OF MY BLACK DESPAIR... DOWN WE PLUNGE TO THE PRISON OF MY MIIINNDDD"

Which is when I went on Leslie Ludy's blog (check her out, she's an amazing woman) and found this post.
You don't have to read it, I'll recap it a bit for you. She talks about the voice of discouragement and then gives some tips on how to combat it.
I love the first one: turning outward. If our focus is on serving and praying for others, we can't be focusing on ourselves and those discouraging thoughts that wage war against our true identity: Child of God.

Most people - if left mostly to themselves - will think only of themselves. Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights is a good example. He grew up in a very secluded family circle, on the moors of England, where the only person who loved him was Catherine Earnshaw. He is a very selfish man, who cares only for himself and Catherine. His selfish desires to have revenge on those who hurt him cause him to be cruel to everyone in the novel. If things don't go his way, he punishes the person(s) at fault with beatings (both physically and verbally).
It's been slowing dawning on me the past two days that when I've been alone for awhile (like this week - with my mom sick, we haven't been able to go anywhere) I immediately start to think about myself. Sometimes I'm trying to figure out what to do to keep myself entertained. But just as often, or more often, I'm thinking, wondering, and worrying about my future. Those self-doubts sneak in and set up a perimeter.

That's why it's not good to be a hermit. I've said it before and I'm sure I will say it a million more times before I die:
God created us to be in relationship with one another, to be in fellowship with one another.
God knew that it was not good for man to be alone, so he made Eve.
What happened when Eve was off by herself? A serpent came and tempted her, and she ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and sin entered the world.
God knows that when we're continually alone, when we're hermits, there's more of a chance that sin will get to us.
We're created to be in relationship with each other. This doesn't exclusively mean fellowship, though. Basil the Great knew that. That's why he made service such a big part of his ministry. That's why he started hospitals. When our focus is on others, our focus can't be on ourselves. Here's a few good ways for focusing on others:

1. Make time to pray for people.
2. Get to know people. This one is, perhaps, the most difficult. In this age of technology, it's easy to send off a text or an email at whatever time you want. It's easy to fit friendships into your own schedule. But if you are actively out, trying to make deep connections with people... your schedule is going to get messed up, because real, human relationships don't fit into little boxes.
3. Help people. Do service projects. Open doors for people in the mall. Pick up trash on the side of the road. Help at a food bank. God calls us to help the widows and the orphans. Do you have any widows in your church? Go and visit them. Talk to them, or see if they need any yard work done.

In Sunday school, we are continually going back to that kid's song "read your Bible, pray every day, and you'll grow, grow, grow." We've since added two more things to that list.

Read your Bible everyday.
Make persistent prayer a priority.
Fellowship with other believes. Have deep, personal relationships, and hold each other accountable.
Serve others.

You can't do those last two unless you throw off hermitage and get out there in the world.

"It's good fun for a hermit."

Perhaps not so fun if you were an Original Hermit, from the 4th century.
"Hermit" comes from a Greek word meaning "of the desert" or "desert dweller."
In the 4th century, the first hermit appeared. His name was Paul of Thebes. He had a followed named Anthony the Great.
The goal of hermits was to isolate themselves and encounter God through prayer.
Out of this, sprung Monasticism, which eventually grew into monkhood.
When Monasticism first showed up in the 4th century, however, it was seen as the "new martyrdom." In the first few centuries AD, Christianity was illegal and those found practicing it were killed, or pitted against lions in the arena.

Martyrs were seen as the heroes of Christianity. It was an honor to die for the faith. Then Emperor Constantine made Christianity legal and martyrdom became extinct.
In Monasticism, the person renounces worldliness and focuses on spiritualness. Celibacy, poverty, and obedience were major aspects. They believe that it's the heart and the spirit (devoted to God) that matters. Because of this, Monastics often went without eating, bathing, or sitting down. Often they wouldn't change their clothes, and if bugs crawled over them (one man supposedly had worms living in his teeth), they wouldn't mind, because the body would eventually decay in the ground anyway. It's the soul that matters.
One man went out into the desert to be alone with God, but found a crowd of lookie-loos waiting for him, so they could observe this strange new aspect of Christianity. The man didn't want to go back to civilization, and he didn't want to stay with the crowd in the desert, so he did the only thing he could do. He went up. Literally. He build a pillar, allegedly 72 feet high, and lived up there for 30+ years. He would stand on one leg, and then the other (because there wasn't enough room to sit or lie down) and he would preach to the crowd below him.

All this is rather odd to the 21st century Christian. The first thing that presents itself to me is the Bible verse about our bodies being temples of God (and we should take care of them). The Monastics had Bible verses to back up their way of living (some verses of Paul's about giving up the world, and something about the body as well, but I can't remember).
But, if you think about it, their way of living did have certain things going for it.
For one, they didn't "love the world or anything in the world" (1 John 2:15), and they spent lots and lots and lots of time in prayer - in communication with God.
Our pastor is going through Luke in his sermons and, even though we're only 6 chapters in, do you know how many times that Jesus has gone off by himself already (to be in the presence of God, to spend time talking with the heavenly Father). Four times. The first time was when he was a little child and stayed behind at the temple to listen to the men teaching there. When Mary and Joseph found him they were upset but he said "Didn't you know I had to be in my father's house?" Had being the imperative word.
Today, in too many Christians lives (my own included), God is pushed to the side. He is, ultimately, Lord of our lives, but it's more of an aloof partnership. Do you think God wants that? No, of course not! He created us to be in relationship with Him, and even though sin did a nasty job of separating us from God, he still yearns for us to know Him. And not just know as in knowledge. In Hebrew, the word for know is yada which doesn't just mean "knowledge." It means to perceive, to distinguish, to know by experience.
A knowledge brought about by experiencing God.
And how do we go about knowing God in such a deep fashion?
Well, the way you would get to know anyone. Spend time with them.
Read the Bible, pray everyday (and you'll grow, grow, grow).
Jesus did that. He took time away from the crowds, from the disciples, from everything periodically to go and spend time just talking with God.
In Luke 6 he goes to a mountainside and spends the entire night praying to God.
How many times have you purposefully set out to pray the whole night through? I know I've never done that.

Though the Monastics way of life was rather extreme, they took this aspect of WWJD? to another level. They wanted to know God, and spent there days, their months, their years doing just that: praying and seeking God. They left everything behind.

The world behind me, the cross before me, no turning back. No turning back.

Sherlock: His Last Vow

WARNING: SPOILERS!





A quick word on The Sign of Three... I really enjoyed that episode. It was cute and I loved seeing the Watson's wedding. Sherlock's best man speech was great... and long... and I like how everything fit together in the end.
It just goes to prove that my favorite episodes from Sherlock continue to be the middle episode of each series.


Now onto his Last Vow...
What I liked: I loved seeing more of the Holmes-family dynamic. I think it was brilliant to cast Benedict Cumberbatch's parents as Sherlock and Mycroft's parents. And I loved seeing the dynamic between the brothers.
Another thing that I really enjoyed, was when Sherlock got shot. That sounds morbid... but I thought it was super cool how we saw his thought-process. We got to see how certain information was personified by certain important people in Sherlock's life. I loved how they showed us how he got from point A to point B. In real life, it only took a couple seconds, but showing all the different steps was super cool. It reminds me a bit of the McGee and Me (an old Christian show) episode where McGee takes us through a day in Nick's mind, and shows what goes into Nick's decisions.
Of course, Sherlock did it without the cartoons, the costumes, and the fun music.
Also, they introduced Wiggins!! In the books, Wiggins is one of the Baker Street Irregulars. In Sherlock, the Irregulars are replaced by Sherlock's homeless network. Wiggins becomes one of the network when he's picked up by the Watsons and brought to the hospital with them at the beginning of the episode. He shows a knack for deduction and is later brought to Christmas dinner with the Holmes'. Am I the only one who can see a possible Bill Wiggins/Molly Hooper relationship panning out? After all, her engagement is off... and Sherlock will never have any feelings for her... and Wiggins is such a good deductionest... I've never been a fan of Lestrolly (Lestrade/Molly) or Sherlolly (Sherlock/Molly), but Molly/Wiggins (Molliggins?) I can see working.
Also, way to go Molly for slapping Sherlock for what's wrong. "How dare you? How dare you throw away the beautiful gifts you were born with? Say you're sorry."
There was a Biblical reference in the show... The east wind, in the Bible, is often a symbol of God's judgment. (For example, a strong east wind blew back the sea so Moses and the Israelites could pass through on dry ground, and then later, the east wind blew all of the Egyptians into the ocean, killing them.)
And how about that ending!! Wow! Shocker. I now have a little bit of hope that they will, indeed, tell us how Sherlock survived. After all, they can't keep from us how both Sherlock AND Moriarty survived. They have to explain one or the other, preferably both. (I can imagine a scene where the two of them are having tea and apples, "So, how did you survive?" *glare of penetration* "Oh, you know, blah blah blah..."). That ending is what's going to keep me watching the show because...

...unfortunately, to me, there was more to not like in this episode, than there was to like.
Mostly this had to do with Magnussem and certain decisions and portrayals of characters.
Magnussem is the most despicable villain I have ever come across, and it wasn't because of his evilness. It was because of his vulgarity. Even the Sherriff of Nottingham from BBC's Robin Hood isn't as vulgar as Magnussem.
He is a master blackmailer, with a file for everyone in his brain. He has stuff on people that could get them sent to jail, killed, saved. But they have to work with him, let him do whatever he wants. For instance, Magnussem licks a woman's face with the tip of his tongue to taste her perfume, and later he flicks Watson's face repeatedly, and laughs. If Watson didn't comply, Magnussem would reveal to the world that Mary was actually an assassin, and she would be sent to jail.
That's not villainess. That's bullying. Bullies scare people, and often hurt people, but also, they usually get their just deserts.
It was as if Magnussem was a child, who promised to throw a temper tantrum if he didn't get his way. The parents (the people he was blackmailing) didn't want to stand up to their child, because they didn't want to deal with the screaming and tantrums.
Spare the rod, spoil the child.
While I don't agree with physical punishment, a little discipline, and some boundaries never hurt anyone.

My biggest problem with this episode, other than despicable Magnussen, is the blurred moral lines.
The Sherlock series has never really been huge on moral principles... Seriously, out of the nine episodes, two of them end with the villains going to jail, two of them don't have conclusions for the bad guys, and five episodes end with the villains being murdered.
In this episode, John, who is a doctor, sprains a man's arm to get information out of him. He is supposed to be a "good guy."
Sherlock, who is the "hero" of the show (no matter what he says at the end of the episode), is found by Watson in a drug-den, high on something presumably illegal. Also, instead of letting his smarter brother who probably had a plan, deal with Magnussem at the end, Sherlock decides to shoot the villain dead.
Mary Watson, a nurse, a pregnant-woman, John's wife, and an all-around cool character, is found out to have been an assassin who not only "disappeared" by taking a new name to avoid jail, but also shoots Sherlock. She has lied to her husband, and everyone else, and wants to keep on lying, but Sherlock tricks her into explaining things to John, who then gets angry at her.
Even Mycroft. Instead of sending Sherlock to jail for killing a man in cold blood in front of multiple witnesses, he sends Sherlock off on a fatal undercover mission. That's all good and fine... but then Moriarty shows up again, and Sherlock is called back after only four minutes. My idea is that they'll bring him back, Sherlock will best Moriarty in some way, and then for his heroic act of saving all of London, he'll be pardoned. For murder. ("Murder most foul!")

Isn't there anything anymore that has the bad guys being bad, and the good guys being good? Instead, movies, TV, and books appeal to our "fangirl" feelings and make us love and root for those who are sinning.
A good example of this is Patrick Jane from the show The Mentalist. He's a very charming character, handsome, with a tragic past, a great brain, and a cool name. His wife and daughter were killed years ago, and the show is all about how he is trying to track down the murderer so he can have his revenge.
In a recent episode, he found his wife and child's murderer, and he strangled the man to death in a park. Then he went to a foreign country and "disappeared" so he wouldn't have to face judgment for his crimes.
"Revenge is mine," says the Lord.
Another example is the book Heist Society by Ally Carter. In this book, a group of teenagers steal paintings in order to appease a blackmailer. They break into buildings, steal things, and lie. I forget exactly what happens, but in the end, they are not punished for their actions. They are free to go - and even the main characters father (also a thief) is released from prison to just go on stealing things...

What about the characters in shows that have affairs, or sex outside of marriage, or look at women inappropriately? In Sherlock, Lestrade checks Molly out, even though he's already married. He's a policeman. The Bible says that even if you look at a woman lustfully, you are committing adultery with her in your mind.

And we're supposed to root for these people? These are our current heroes? These are the people we're supposed to look up to and say "I wanna be like that."


As television shows and books and movies become more and more ungodly, and as sin becomes more and more just a part of life, Christians start to get tolerant.
Our society today is all about tolerance.
Love the sinner - love the murderer, the homosexual, the prostitute, that one guy who swears all the time. But by no means tolerate the sin. By NO means, tolerate the sin. Intolerance is not judgment. Judgment is God's. But if we, as Christians, watch something like Sherlock, like the Mentalist, like Star Trek, and just brush aside and shrug off the unbiblical messages that are being sent out, then shame on us. Shame on us. Sin is serious. We are all going to be judged for our acts when we die.
The message that current entertainment is sending out is evasion. Evade judgment. Evade accountability. Do what you want. Just do it. Who cares who it hurts, just so long as you're happy, just so long as you're getting what you want.
In this latest Sherlock episode, Sherlock gets a "girlfriend." On her side, it's a serious relationship, but on his side, he's just using her to get at Magnussem. When she finds out, she sells her story to the tabloids and makes a lot of money (just a side note... that cottage she bought in Sussex downs with the beehives? In the book, Sherlock Holmes retires to Sussex downs to raise bees. I don't think we've seen the last of her).
Sherlock even goes so far as to propose to her. This makes me angry. Us girls have enough emotional problems without getting them further mixed and messed up by men.


But mark this: there will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God - having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.
2 Timothy 3:1-5


Sound familiar? *cough cough* the present *cough cough*
The short of the matter is, we will be judged eventually. We can't avoid it.
So, would you rather live for this tiny blip of 80-odd years that you will be on earth, or would you rather live for eternity - eternity with the Creator of the Universe, the Almighty and gracious God?

Facing my fears.

I have many fears. Some are more defined (such as the fear of getting a migraine) but most are the Great Fear of the Unknown.
This big giant fear is something that most people struggle with... It includes general things such as: fear the future, fear of going to a foreign country, fear of trying new foods, etc. I think that as people, we fear the unknown because we're afraid of getting hurt somehow.
These past two days, I was forced to face some of these Unknown Fears.


Yesterday, I took the train all by myself down to visit my friend at her Bible college.
This was my first time going on a trip all by myself without parents, church people, or friends with me. Not only that, I took the train, which is something I've only done once before (and that was probably six or seven years ago - and I had my mom and a bunch of other homeschoolers with me). Not only that, I had to socialize with people I didn't know. Not only that, they were college people I didn't know.
Recently, I discovered that I really don't like talking to people because I have this weird thing in my head that either they'll judge whatever I say, or they just won't care about what I'm talking about. This is increased tenfold when I have to talk to someone of the opposite gender. I also don't like talking to people because they most likely won't ask me anything interesting... they'll ask me either a) what grade are you in? (someone I'm incapable of answering because we have never defined my grade) or b) where are you thinking of going to college/what colleges have you looked into? (something I'd really really really like to NOT talk about right now because all the stress and SATs and grades and requirements and the threat of dorm life and having to interact with people makes me want to cry - which goes back to the weird thing where I think people will either judge me or not care about what I'm talking about/interested in. Plus I'm still a highschooled teenager, and all highschoolers are basically empty-headed-care-only-about-drama-and-can't-have-deep-thoughts, right?).
Anyway, the impending threat of having to talk to people and somehow fit in with my friend's crowd (which is very, very different than people I would normally be drawn to) was very, very terrifying for me. Even more terrifying than the train ride and going somewhere by myself.


I'd like to share how I got through these fears.
First of all, with a lot of prayer, and some Bible reading (the Matthew verses about 'do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.' I don't know the reference right off the top of my head. Also the end of Philippians 3 and all of Phil. 4. It has some really good verses about who we, as Christians, are working for, and the goal we are working towards. Also two of my favorite verses... Phil. 4:8 - think on whatever is pure, right, holy, etc. and Phil. 4:6-7 which is another 'do not worry' verse [but by prayer and petition and thanksgiving present your request to the Lord]).
The above verses are really, really encouraging and help me to remember that God is in control. He's got this. I don't need to worry. (Which reminds me of another verse that our guitarist shared at worship practice tonight - 1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you).


The other thing that helps me face my fears is just doing it. If I sit and think about the scary things, they get more scary. But if I don't think about them/focus on them, and just do whatever it is, I can get through relatively unscathed.
Like talking to people. I went to bed last night thinking "Oh no, tomorrow I have to meet/interact with more of the people here!" But I didn't let myself focus on that. Talking to people and interacting with them is inevitable. I would love to hole up in my room and never have to worry about talking to people again... never have to worry about good impressions... never have to worry that people think I'm weird/not good enough/an idiot/empty-headed/cares only about trivial things... But I can't become a hermit. God created us to be in relationship with one another, and the best way to do that is to be out interacting with people - building strong relationships, not holed up somewhere online.
So no matter how awful talking with people makes me feel, I know it's good for me. So I just do it. I talk to people. I introduce myself to people. I'm friendly. I shake people's hands. I ask them about things (because people love to talk about themselves). Who cares what they think of me? Their opinion doesn't matter! The only opinion that matters is God's. He sees my heart and my mind. He knows my good intentions and my selfish ones. He knows that I'm not weird(er than other people). He knows that I'm not an idiot. He knows I don't care only for trivial things. So what does other people's opinions mean to me? Well, they're a nice affirmation of things that I already know. But if people have the wrong idea about me, that's their problem because they didn't get to know me and jumped to conclusions. (I struggle with that; jumping to conclusions too quickly. It's partly 'cause of my imagination - I imagine the woman in the boots walking down the street is actually a mastermind criminal from outerspace masquerading as a human. [Okay, maybe not that farfetched]. It's something I'm working on).


The train is something that I really just had to do without thinking much about it, because if I started thinking too much about it, I'd probably have freaked myself out. Not so much the train part... but the going without my parents part (what would happen if I got a migraine? Thank the Lord that I didn't!).
Actually, the train ride (and the trip to the bookstore and my friend's theology class) was the best part of the trip. I LOVE trains and was super excited about getting to travel on one. I'd travel by train always if I could (has anyone seen the commercial where the guy wins the lottery and builds himself a train? If I ever come into a substantial amount of money... look out!).


Anyway, I'm not exactly sure how to end this post... it's become sort of a culmination of all the feelings that have been keeping me awake at night for the past few forevers... (mostly the past few weeks. My friend calls the thoughts that keep you up at night "the committee." It fits). Sometimes you just have to blah all the feelings out.


I'll leave you with two things:
1- If you see me, please refrain from asking about colleges. Instead, ask me how life is going. Ask me about my writing, my music, books, Star Trek, what I will study at college (not what college I'll attend. Why is so much emphasis put on the where and not what we'll be doing once we get there?).


2-
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

I can not pretend to be something I'm not...

Something has been pressing on my heart very much in the past month, and the past year.


People label me a geek. People label me a Trekkie. I don't mind the Trekkie so much... And the geek I allow. But if I want to be known as one thing, I want to be known as a Christian.
In youth group, I was for awhile the "Star Trek" one and that hurts me. I want to be the "one who loves God."
I look around me and see girls all over the world spending their time alone in their rooms watching Doctor Who... Or blogging alone in their rooms. Remember that guy from Doctor Who, in the god Complex episode? He was a blogger, and he was made fun of because he was weird and alone all the time.
Does God call us to be like that? No! He calls us to go out and tell the world of His love! The Great Commission!




Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
^{Matthew 28:16-20}


Do you think Jesus was kidding?  How can we be out making disciples if we're in our rooms all the live long day being anti-social hermits?
I spent the last three days watching the first season of BBC'S Robin Hood. I really enjoyed it. But when I wasn't watching it, I was thinking about watching it. I was wondering what happened next. My dad and I played Star Trek: Catan... Was I thinking seriously about the game? Not really... I wanted to go and watch more Robin Hood. Last night, I stayed up way late past my bedtime just to watch one more episode when I knew full well that I had to be up at 7:00 in the morning to go to worship practice. This afternoon I skimped on my piano practice just to get back to watching it.
Is that healthy? No. It's not. Would I ever recommend watching a TV show in 3-days? No. I would not. Because they become idols, without us meaning them to be. We don't even realize that they've become idols until we're in too deep. 


I fear someday that someone will come up to me and say "You're such a fangirl!" (in a jokingly "good" way) or "Welcome to the fangirl ranks, Abbey!" I don't want that to happen! I don't want to be a fangirl! I never want to be known as a fangirl! Because I look at their lives and think, what substance do they have? How can they spend so much time on things that don't matter in the end.
When you get to heaven, will God look at you - at me - and say "Well done for watching all the popular TV shows and joining all the fandoms!" No. I believe that he'll say, "Why did you spend so much time watching those popular TV shows when you could have been spending time with me? I called to you but you didn't listen."


I wonder how many amazing things we're missing out on by shifting our focus off of God? By putting our focus on idols that we think will make us happy? You name it, and I've probably made it an idol in my life... right now it's fear and doubt for my future - fear and doubt that I'll be alone - that I am alone - and that I'll have no friends. I know God will always be there for me... but we were created to be in relationship with each other too! And how can we build good relationships when we're glued to our screens all day? How can we share the love of Christ if we're glued to our screens all day?
I don't believe that the Word of God can effectively be shared to strangers across the internet. For one, on the internet, just by the way you write things, you could come off as pushy and rude, when, in real life, you were intending to be satirical and funny. Inflection and body language is very important. Without it, too many arguments break out online.


I've tried to "fit in" with the "cool kids." In the real world it was trying to breach the gap between the "cool kids" and the "quiet kids" in youth group. I exposed myself to some bad youtube channels/videos (Ellen DeGeneres... Kids React...) and some bad TV shows (Friends and other sitcoms) and also started being more outspoken and a bit brash and maybe even a bit flirtatious. On the internet world... Getting involved in Doctor Who and Sherlock, and trying to copy what I thought was the "cool way" to write blog posts in the author blogsphere... when I'm not even sure if God wants me to be an author/writer!


Those things are not me. Undoubtedly I will fall back into these things... trying to be like others by acting like them... countless times in the rest of my life, but that's not who I want to be.
I want to be a messenger of God. I want to learn more about Him and tell others about Him. I want to make friends in real life and I want to build relationships with people in real life so that maybe, if they aren't Christians, they can see something different about me... I want to live for God. But I have to stop leading a double life. I need to stop struggling and let him take over.


Does this mean I'm giving up blogging? Doctor Who? Star Trek? Being a geek?
No. Because it's okay to be all those things. It's okay to be a geek... Just so long as it doesn't come before God.
There's a story in Gospels... I'm going to copy it from Luke 9 (the story is also in Matthew 8). The little header above the paragraphs is called "The Cost of Following Jesus."
So here it is... the cost of following the one who Created everything. The cost of following the one who saved your life by giving His own (because there is a cost. It's not just "I accept God and now I'm going to heaven. Done"):


As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go."
Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head. He said to another man, "Follow me."
But the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father."
Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God."
Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family."
Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."
(vs. 57-62)


Are burying your father or saying goodbye to your family bad things? No. But if they come between you and God, then yes they are.
If Jesus came up to you, and said "follow me" would you unhesitatingly say "yes!" or would you say "just a minute... but first let me..."?
If Jesus came up to you in the middle of Sherlock premier on Sunday, right before Sherlock revealed how he fell at the end of season two - if Jesus came up to you at this point and asked you to follow him, would you unhesitatingly say "yes!" and get up and leave without seeing the resolution to the long-awaited season three of Sherlock?


Casting down idols (whether they be addictions, entertainment, money, fear, doubt, guys, attention, or even little gold figurines) is something that has been in my mind a lot this year. And I've struggled over whether to post about it on my blog or not... But now I just have to. I have to make my priorities straight.
I still enjoy a good sci-fy show, and I really really love and appreciate well-written books and classical music. I'm a geek. I'm still going to post about the things I enjoy, such as Tolkien, and movies, and Doctor Who.
But at the core of all that, I am a follower of Christ. I never want any TV show, book, or piece of music get in the way of my relationship with Jesus. And I want you all to know that. This girl belongs to God first and foremost above everything else!
Will I fail? Yes. I'm going to fail tomorrow, because I am a sin-filled being. I'm probably going to fail tonight, even though I go to bed soon.
But I'm going to try my hardest not to fail. I want to be conscious of every time I fail, so that the next time, I can resist temptation to "just watch one more episode" or to "let's just skip Bible this morning 'cause we're too busy."




So when they met together, they asked him, "Lord, are you at this time going to restore the kingdom to Israel?"
He said to them, "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."
Acts 1:6-8


In the Old Testament, before Jesus, only specific people could go into the temple at specific times to be in the presence of God and offer the sacrifices to him. It was a privilege to be in the presence of God and only happened once a year. The majority of normal people didn't have the requirements to be a priest and be in the presence of God in the Holy of Holies in the temple. But that changed when Jesus came and died to save us from our sins. That wall was broken down. We can speak to God freely whenever we want to! And "we will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on us." The people in Old Testament didn't have that option... They didn't even have the option to accept that power. But we do. And everyday, more people throw that power out the window. Kinda dumb don't you think? We have the power of God on our side and we choose to throw it out the window.




I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:11-13


Be content believers! Be content with God! Don't try to fill your life with meaningless fluff! Take hold of his free gift of salvation, and take hold of the power he offers to help you through life!


What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If our God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31


Because you can't take the stuff with you. It doesn't matter in the end.


Naked a man comes from his mother's womb, and as he comes, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand.
This too is a grievous evil: As a man comes, so he departs, and what does he gain, since he toils for the wind?
Ecclesiastes 5:15-17


Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.
For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.
Ecclesiastes 12:13-14.